10 Ways To Know If Your Spouse Is Trying To Kill You
A darkly funny guide to suspicious behavior, questionable casseroles, and why life insurance commercials suddenly feel personal.
Marriage is built on trust, communication, and pretending not to notice your partner loading the dishwasher like a feral raccoon. But every once in a while, a tiny thought creeps in:
“Wait… was that accidental, or am I starring in a true crime documentary?”
Now, to be clear, most spouses are not trying to kill you. They’re just tired, annoyed, or passive-aggressively furious that you bought another expensive hobby item “for the garage.” But if your relationship has started to resemble a low-budget murder mystery, here are a few humorous warning signs worth noting.
1. They Suddenly Become Weirdly Interested in Life Insurance
Your spouse once fell asleep during financial discussions. Now they’re sitting upright at 2 a.m. comparing policies like they’re studying for the bar exam.
“Hypothetically,” they ask, “what happens if someone falls off a moderately tall balcony?”
You laugh nervously while hiding the staircase.
2. Every Meal Feels Like a Gamble
Your partner has never cooked before, yet suddenly they’re serving exotic mushroom stew and smiling too much.
“Eat up,” they whisper.
You take one bite and immediately Google:
“Can cinnamon smell like almonds before death?”
3. They Keep Suggesting Dangerous Couple Activities
Nothing says romance like:
-
cliffside hiking,
-
amateur skydiving,
-
scuba diving despite neither of you knowing how to swim,
-
or “Let’s kayak during hurricane season.”
If your spouse starts saying things like, “Nobody would ever find us out here,” remain alert.
4. They Watch Entire True Crime Series Without Blinking
You walk into the room and they’re calmly watching six consecutive episodes about spouses who disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
Then they pause the TV and ask:
“Do you think poison is traceable these days?”
No. No, thank you.
5. They Start Calling You “Clumsy”
You trip once over the dog.
Suddenly your spouse is telling everyone:
“She’s very accident-prone.”
“He falls a lot.”
“Honestly, I’m shocked they’ve survived this long.”
This is either character assassination or foreshadowing.
6. They Encourage You to “Relax” Near Dangerous Objects
“Why don’t you unwind in this antique bathtub next to this flickering toaster?”
Hard pass.
If your spouse starts combining household appliances with water features, maybe stay dry awhile.
7. They Become Strangely Calm During Arguments
No yelling. No frustration. Just eerie stillness.
You say:
“We need to talk about our relationship.”
They smile softly and reply:
“Not for much longer.”
That’s not conflict resolution. That’s a trailer for a streaming miniseries.
8. They Keep Forwarding Articles About “Perfect Crimes”
Some couples send memes.
Others send vacation ideas.
Your spouse?
“How Long Does It Take for a Body to Decompose in a Swamp?”
Romance is truly evolving.
9. They Insist on Being the Sole Driver Everywhere
At first it seems sweet.
Then you notice they keep muttering:
“These brakes feel loose.”
right before merging onto mountain roads.
Trust your instincts. And maybe Uber occasionally.
10. Your Friends Keep Asking if You’re Okay
Nothing is more unsettling than hearing:
“So… blink twice if you need help.”
Especially from multiple people.
If your spouse has developed the charming personality traits of a movie villain and everyone around you looks deeply concerned, it may be time for reflection — or at least separate vacations.
Final Thoughts
Marriage is hard. Long-term love means compromise, patience, and occasionally pretending your partner’s snoring isn’t causing spiritual damage. But most suspicious behavior has perfectly innocent explanations.
Usually.
Still, if your spouse:
-
dramatically increases your life insurance,
-
buys poison ivy “for gardening,”
-
and suggests a romantic canoe trip during lightning season…
Maybe sleep with one eye open.
And perhaps make your own dinner.
Love, Lisa
Add comment
Comments